Belichick IS cheap

The only thing that separates Hillary Clinton and Bellichik in my mind is the hair do. The body shape, the lies, the thick ankles, the machiavellian attitude to win at any cost regardless of the human cost. Disgusting. If I didn’t despise Obama, I’d vote for him out of spite of her - which is off subject since this is about Bellichik. What’s football about anyhow if not the manliness and the effort? It’s a shame that this guy is in charge of a quality franchise like the NE Patriots, who would have won without him thanks to the great players on the team. If I had my druthers, Tony Dungy would be the coach at NE and would have beaten the awful Giants this year.

Let’s see…

The Red Sox are in first place with a fearsome offense and a great young pitching staff.

The Bruins are 2-3 against the top-seeded Montreal Canadiens in the first round of the playoffs. The Habs are the Bruins arch-rivals and THE hockey dynasty with 24 Stanley Cups, second only to the New York Yankees in world championships (26). Beating the Canadiens in the hockey world is like the Red Sox beating the Yankees. Tomorrow night’s game 6 is in Boston.

And even if the Bruins lose it is great to think about another team being one championship away from knocking off the Yanks as THE all-time great dynasty.

The Celtics are favorites to win the NBA championship for the 16th time.

Do you think anyone in Boston is worrying about foreigners dissing Bill Belichek?

Or as Ben Stein would say:

“Anyone? … Anyone? … Anyone?”

The only time we think about the Patriots is to warmly remember they will be in the playoffs again in 2009. If they don’t go undefeated again they will be able to rest Tom Brady a few games toward the end. That was ironically their Achilles heel in 2008. Brady was not at 100 percent in the Super Bowl.

I don’t even recognize my formerly beloved Celtics. We enjoyed the bruising gangs of the past, but how is it the Celtics have players getting fined for flashing “gang” symbols in the pregame. What’s this about fights breaking out with last place seeds? Where’s the character? I can still remember Cornbread Maxwell punting a basketball in disgust, that passion was something that was enjoyable because it was so novel to see the old facade of respectability crack a little. But today’s basketball teams are like a bunch of Bellicheks - professionals, not sportsmen. Gangsters, not competitors. And the Bosox. Are they just turning into the Yankees in front of our eyes? And the Patriots. Sigh. It’s as if Boston is becoming the new NYC, with a bunch of rich prima donnas, a fan base that is increasingly detached from America and its values. I don’t think New England has been this far from the American mainstream since the Puritans descended upon their allies, the innocent narragansetts, during King Philip’s war - possibly the best example in American history of europeans betraying the native American. It’s time New Englanders made reparations to the native Americans as well as sportsmen across America, and here’s how they can do it. Fire Bellichek, apologize for his hair, ankles and cheating. Disband the store-purchased Celtics and buy some draft picks from students who actually finished college and build a franchise with class. In Hockey, try not to lose to the Canadians, as that would be a national disgrace. In baseball, what can one say? Find the national average for team salaries and don’t allow the Bosox to eclipse that by more than say 30%. You ain’t NY, but watch out, because you are well on your way.

New England will never become the New New York. That would be redundant and stupid. Only one “new” in a place name please!

Jay Rogers, I take your point. For if Old New England became the New New York, then what would happen to the Old New York? - they would become the New New England.

Let’s digress; Both “England” and “York” are actually names for (a) a foreign country that our Yankee and Patriot forefathers broke away from and (b) a historic walled city in that foreign country. So when we refer to New York or New England, we are in fact paying homage to previously enemy foreigners; yet their teams are named for our forefathers in arms, yes, the enemies of these foreigners.

America’s fondest wish, which is to deport everyone from New York back to York, England, and everyone from New England back to any old place in England is thus made difficult. We agree as a country that America in general and professional sports in specific be better off with these robber baron sports empires earning their wages off of innocent Brits.

But here’s the problem; these groups would probably form sports teams to compete with Americans. Then instead of playing the NY Yankees, we’d contend with the York Yankees, and similarly with the England Patriots. Would that make sense? NO! Because Yankees as a group are looked down upon by denizens of York as upstart rebels, and English Patriots should not be supporting American sports.

Solution: Rename the New England Patriots as the “Boston Brahmans”. Rename the NY Yankees as the NY Yokels. Then, once these names (appropriate to both the cities and the teams) stick, we enter into phase two, which is to deport, en masse, these cities and their respective teams. Then we could allow them to form teams to compete against Americans, and we’d whoop them time and again, as these teams will have lost their one tool that has given them many victories in the past; to wit, the cognitive dissonance created in the minds of their opponents when their opponents understand the dualism inherent the their club names vs. their city names. If we agree on this strategy, I’d say we are in complete consensus.

The Philadelphia Inquirer has reported on new evidence of Bellichek taking one more step in the wrong direction.

In his expose “Pom-poms caught on Spygate tapes”, reporter Don McKee writes, “So now we know what the New England Patriots were taping during their secret video sessions on opposing sidelines…Cheerleaders.”

He goes on to say some of the “footage showed several minutes of close-ups of San Diego Chargers cheerleaders performing during a 2002 game.”

I’ve talked with many NFL fans and they uniformly agree this is a new low. A coworker mused that he had noticed the Patriot cheerleaders had recently taken an edge over his favorite franchise (Buffalo). “That’s how they did it.” he said as he punched his right hand into his left palm. “Cheaters!” And then he wept.

What more can New England take from America? I think the answer is limited by what is left to take. Our innocence, our signals, our game plan, our cheerleader routines, probably they’ve even tracked down our hot peanut salesmen to steal their peanut hocking techniques. Bellichek must resign, and then we must deport him to either New York or some other foreign country.

What else did they tape? Hot dog vendors, that’s who?

I expect this extends to other sports as well. I’ve always wondered why stadium concessions are so much better in New England. Why do we get three differnt types of Sam Adams and two types of Molson in the Boston Garden? Why do the Fenway Franks taste so good in Boston and taste like crap at Tropicana Field? Just imagine those sausages, peppers and onions sizzling on an open grill wafting through the festive summer air. Why does even the thought of the smells on Lansdowne Street make my mouth water and my tummy growl?

In fact, I wish I had a Fenway Frank and a Molson right now.

Now it suddenly all becomes so clear. The reason New England has an edge in food concessions is due to some type of illegal taping. How else can you explain how our food is so delicious when other stadiums force their fans to pay outrageous prices for pizza that tastes like cardboard? We need a congressional probe! At the very least, Boston teams should be forced to share their secrets with the incompetent concessioniers in other parts of the country.

Responding to Jay Rogers and bypassing our authoritarian moderator’s ill-timed yet accurate comments - Spygate continues to unfold. And as I’ve conceded, no doubt the patriots have cheated in trying to obtain the edge on the field, cheerleading, and as I said, peanut hocking (or is in hawking?).

But I’m not willing to say that the overall concessions of other franchises have been compromised or that the Boston Patriots have benefited unfairly from spying on the kitchens in their opponents concession stands. You see my young puritan friend, videotaping what concessions are used isn’t going to give an edge to anyone. The key to food preparation and delivery isn’t something that one can film and duplicate. You would know this if you spent a little more time watching cooking shows and a little less time writing about Pilgrims, Salmon Rushdoonie, Knox, Calvin, and Hobbs.

There’s these little things we students of the culinary arts refer to as “recipes”. It’s the basic mix of ingredients, the technique in the kitchen, the presentation, and perhaps a little flair here and there. So perhaps Boston did borrow their ideas from elsewhere, but videotaping wasn’t how they elevated their concession. They did it the good ol’ fashioned way, which is American capitalism. The dominating factor is competition and good hard work.

Which illustrates our illustrious moderator’s comments regarding Bellichek all the more clearly. The Patriots, and other teams SHOULD rely on hard work, competition, and fair play. Instead, they pulled out the cameras and took shortcuts to steal plays, cheerleader moves, field lining techniques, probably even the zany hijinks other team mascots were utilizing. Shame!